“He never would have said that when I was female.” “We weren’t out the courtroom door when he said that to me under his breath,” Ward says. What he didn’t expect was for the opposing counsel lean over to him and call the judge the c-word. Ward knew their question would not go over well, so he wasn’t surprised when she reprimanded both him and his opposing counsel for asking. One day in court, Ward and his opposing counsel were making a big request to a judge. James Ward, a lawyer in San Francisco who transitioned about six years ago, put it this way: “We have the ability to just walk through the world and not have anybody look at you twice.” Some call it “passing” or “going stealth” others say those terms suggest secrecy or deception, preferring the term “low or no disclosure.” In practice, this means that a 6’2” woman is often more conspicuous than a 5’4” man. They’re often not recognized as trans, which means they can be less vulnerable to obvious transphobia. “Cultural sexism in the world is very real when you’ve lived on both sides of the coin,” says Tiq Milan, a friend of the future groom.Īnd that cultural sexism is often more visible to trans men, because most say they find it easier to be low-disclosure than trans women. From courtrooms to playgrounds to prisons to train stations, at work and at home, with friends and alone, trans men reiterated how fundamentally different it is to experience the world as a man. They gained professional respect, but lost intimacy. Over and over again, men who were raised and socialized as female described all the ways they were treated differently as soon as the world perceived them as male. In the last few months, I’ve interviewed nearly two dozen trans men and activists about work, relationships and family. Yet experiences of trans men can provide a unique window into how gender functions in American society. it’s nearly impossible to know how many of them are trans men.) (Because most surveys ask people to identify as male or female but not cisgender or transgender, the size of the transgender population in America is unclear, though one study suggests there are about 700,000 trans people in the U.S. “Women’s appearances get more attention, women’s actions are commented on and critiqued more than men, so in that world it just makes sense that people will focus more on trans women than trans men,” says Julia Serano, a transgender activist and author of Whipping Girl. Our cultural obsession with feminine beauty contributes to the imbalance. But the spotlight on trans issues has mostly been focused on transgender women, and transgender men have been largely left out of the narrative. From Orange is the New Black to Transparent, from Janet Mock to Caitlyn Jenner, America has a growing fascination with the lives of transgender people, most recently in light of recent debates over controversial bathroom laws. Over the last three years, transgender awareness has exploded. But if they hadn’t said so, you wouldn’t have known. “And she said ‘I’m in love with you, I don’t care about that.’” His friend Tiq nods and says, “That’s your wife, right there.”Īll three men are trans. “I said ‘I’m trans, and you’re not gonna want me anyway,” he recalls, unable to keep the smile off his face. They met at work, he says, and by the time he came out to her, they were already in love. I ask the groom-to-be how he knew his girlfriend was the one. “From when I was like 12, I used to think about that all the time.” “That was one of my dreams, to get married, to be somebody’s husband, to be somebody’s father,” says one of the friends, Redd Barrett. The other men light up when they hear the news and start talking about rings, how much they cost, will it be princess cut or pear shaped? Pictures are Googled, phones are passed around. “I’m putting it together in my head, I’m like: ‘He’s gonna be one of my groomsmen, he’s gonna be one of my groomsmen,’” he points to his two friends and grins. One of them, Bryce Richardson, is about to propose to his girlfriend. Three guys are sitting at a Harlem bartop eating fries, drinking whiskey and talking about love. “Cultural sexism in the world is very real when you’ve lived on both sides of the coin”
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